But you're not my mom!: Advice for a successful step-parenting bond

Advice for a successful step-parent bond

So you've met the man or woman of your dreams! And they have children! What a wonderful blessing yet a situation that must be handled with delicacy, empathy and patience. Here is some wisdom I'd like to pass on to anyone who may be entering into a situation where they are not the birth parent, but taking on a parenting role. 

The step-parenting role is fluid and ever changing: Don't take it personally! 

Some days they may want to hug and kiss you. Some days they need space and distance. Some days they need advice and motherly love. Some days they may want to deal with their problems on their own. Some days they may want to call you, "mom", some days they are comfortable with, "Lori". Some nights they may want to be tucked in, some nights they just want daddy. And these changes in levels of affection are natural and acceptable. We must welcome what they need in the moment.

Me participating in Jalon's Pre-K mother's day spa day. For his Kindergarten mother's day spa day the following year, I showed up, and he missed his birth mother so much that he asked me to leave. I tried not to take it personally, hugged him told him it is okay to miss his mom, and left the school as the teacher helped him play a computer game. 

 Sometimes it's hard not to take it personally. As parents, we want to be needed and feel valued. But just because a child does not want to call you, "mom", does not mean they love you any less. Often, kids with a birth parent and a step-parent subconsciously feel they may be betraying their birth parent by warming up to a step-parent. They fear the step-parent will replace their birth parent's role. This is a natural response and will pass over time as they realize that they can have two parental figures in their life. I often say, "isn't it wonderful that instead of one mom, that God has blessed you with two moms?". 

Share your partner gracefully and willingly

    A common dynamic that happens in step-families is that children become jealous of the step-parent's relationship with their parent, and step-parents become jealous of the parent's relationship with the children. In a happy and strong family, I believe that both relationships must be developed equally. A child focused family leaves the couple's needs neglected. A couple focused family leaves the children feeling neglected and resentful. Although it's wonderful to do things as a family, a step-parent must gracefully step back at times to allow for special and intimate interaction time between the children and their parent. I always allow for the kids to have special time with daddy, and I respect it as a crucial part of maintaining a successful relationship with them. 

I'll never forget the time Justin took me on a date for my birthday. I had known the kids for only 2 months and we were spending Christmas break with them. Mya cried, "you're taking my daddy away!". This is very common with girls and step-moms. She was afraid that I would replace her relationship with her dad. After 3 years of building trust and respecting family time, I believe that she no longer harbors this fear.

Always honor the birth parent

If there is any ONE thing that is MOST important to remember, I truly believe this is it. A child has an instinctual, genetic and biological bond with their birth mother. They heard her heart beat before any other human's. Her voice first. Nomatter what choices good or bad the birth parent makes, nomatter how involved or uninvolved, how loving or unloving, a child is spiritually and emotionally connected to their birth parent. 

In our situation, circumstances with the birth mother have given Justin sole custody of the children. And although I have strong emotions about her parental choices, I will never, ever, EVER speak poorly of her in front of the children. Ever. On the other hand, this does not mean that I over-exaggerate praise about traits she is not delivering either, which is equally as painful. I say things that are truthful and respectful, but do not highlight negative qualities. 

Examples:

"I'm glad you got to spend time with your mom today."

"I know your mother loves you very much and is looking forward to seeing you." 

The reason this is so important is because children will start to resent you if they get the feeling that you do not honor their relationship with their birth parent. 

Build a strong foundation of trust 

When you first start getting to know your partner's kids, you can't immediately expect them to warm up to you fully. Although I was already changing diapers on the first day, it still took months of rapport and relationship building to be in the position that I am in now. It took Mya 3 years to be comfortable enough to say, "I love you", yet I never forced it. I waited for it to come naturally. I will never forget the first time that Jalon said, "I love you", which was just a month ago, and I was absolutely floored with emotion. 

Over the course of the last few years, playing with dolls has turned into long talks about feelings and friendships. Bedtime stories have turned into me singing them to sleep and kissing them on the forehead. Rome wasn't built in a day! And if you expect too much attention too soon, it can affect the natural development of the relationship.

So how do you develop this sense of trust? 

1. Find something that you and the child both enjoy doing! Whether it's playing catch, riding bikes or playing chess, find something for the child to look forward to doing with you when they see you. For instance, Jalon loves when we do puzzles or play checkers.

Here, Mya and I are playing Mancala, our favorite game.


2. Love rituals! These are special things you do with the child every time you see them to remind them of your connection. For Mya, we do "arm exercises". It started out as a way for her to "hug" me when she wasn't comfortable hugging yet, so we pretended that by picking her up that I was strengthening the arm that I broke. Now it has become a running joke that we STILL do, even though we give normal hugs now too. This could be anything from a special handshake, to a certain thing you say, like, "I love you to the moon and back", or a game like, "this little piggy".

3. Offer help, assistance, love, advice, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, etc. but don't force it. But just by letting them know that you are willing to do these things for them, will open up the possibility for them to come to you for important things on their own.

4. Participate in family and school events. For example, go bowling as a family, be part of thanksgiving dinner, birthdays, etc. Gradually become more involved and the children will begin to see you as more of a permanent role in their sense of family.