Why kids explode over seemingly "ridiculous" things, and how to lower the frequency of these meltdowns

We’ve all had that moment when a child gets worked up over something that we, in our adult minds, think is ridiculous. Maybe they throw themselves on the floor because we didn’t cut their pancake “just right”. Maybe they start screaming because they want to wear the blue shirt, not the red shirt….and the blue shirt is in the dirty laundry pile. Ridiculous right? In our minds we think, “all that anger over…..a shirt"

However, regardless of how "tiny" their problems may seem, they are still feeling angry/frustrated/sad/disappointed/etc. nonetheless. And although we don’t have to wait on them hand and foot, we can still validate their feelings with empathy and respect.

I've come across a popular facebook meme entitled "why my kid cried", and here are some examples: 

 Of course as an adult, this can be considered hilarious because we don't get upset about these sorts of things. But is this respectful to the child? Would we want a picture of us posted all over the internet for people to laugh at how silly our feelings are?

When we treat a child’s emotions as ridiculous or unnecessary, we essentially invalidate their feelings. We impose our views of how they should or shouldn’t feel. 

“You shouldn’t be upset over that”

"C'mon, get over it"

"Stop acting like a baby!"

“You should be grateful for what you have!”

 “It’s not the end of the world”

"There's starving people in Africa"

Invalidation teaches children not to trust their own feelings as adults

Later in life, the things our parents/teachers/coaches say transform into our own inner dialogue. 

"I shouldn't be upset over something so stupid"

"Oh...it's nothing"

"Why am I so sad? Nobody else is upset over this" 

"Get a hold of yourself, there's nothing to worry about"

"There must be something wrong with me"

Validating emotions does not mean we give in to unreasonable demands

Setting healthy limits (what is safe, what is not safe, what is acceptable, what is not acceptable) is an important part of parenting. Children are always testing out the limits to find where that line is, and it is the parent's job to peacefully and respectfully set reasonable boundaries. We can first provide empathy for the emotion, but still maintain limits. 

Example: Child cries because their pancake was not cut the way they wanted it. Child demands a new pancake.

Potential thought pattern that the situation invokes: All this over a pancake? Be appreciative for what you have and just eat it. I’m not going to waste food just because you don’t like how I cut it. 

Validating response to pancake example (while still maintaining boundaries):

"I understand you feel frustrated that your pancake did not turn out the way you wanted it. However, I do not wish to throw away food. Today, please eat your pancake the way that it is. Tomorrow, could you show me how you would like your pancake cut?"

In this situation, we set a healthy limit by not providing them a new pancake. But we validate their feelings, and then open up the possibility to avoid a future meltdown by offering to do it differently the next morning.

Why do these meltdowns happen? 

It really, truly, feels like a "big deal" to the child

A popular comedian, Brian Regan, performed a funny skit about a child watching their balloon fly away and crying hysterically. He told the audience to imagine if their wallet were to suddenly float away from them, and that is how it feels for the child!

A child lives in the moment. Whatever happens to be in their world at a given moment is the most important thing on their mind. That's how a child can go from feeling joy to loss in a matter of seconds. We must validate the child until the feeling passes, as fleeting as the balloon floats away. 

Some children have heightened sensory awareness, and are very sensitive to clothing textures, noises, smells and foods. Their perceptions influence a strong reaction to seemingly little things, like a splash of water on a shirt, or a strong perfume. 

“The straw that broke the camel’s back”: A child is constantly filling an "emotional backpack"…..and when it’s full, they can explode

I will never forget the night that Jalon threw himself on the kitchen floor, screaming and kicking hysterically, because I refused to give him ice cream before bedtime. In my mind, he had just returned home from a huge party for Austin’s preschool graduation. He had a fun evening of pizza, sweets, friends and excitement! Hadn’t he had enough fun for one night? And now he wants ice cream?

Later on, I took a step back and approached the situation with empathy.

Jalon, in general, has a low frustration tolerance. He likes things to go in a particular order, way, or routine. Jalon is also the type of child that needs TIME to finish tasks. He needs patient help with transitions from one activity to another. He feels flustered when rushed. 

I ran through the day in my head, and realized he could have had several “almost-meltdowns”, but he held himself together. He was quietly filling up his “emotional backpack”. Many things had happened that day that could have triggered a meltdown. The party ran out of white cake, and he doesn't care for chocolate. He misplaced his favorite toy. He was rushed through breakfast and had to run to the bus stop. 

Throughout all these seemingly manageable situations for an adult, for Jalon took conscious effort to maintain composure to avoid an episode of tears. All those flusters took a huge amount of his expendable “emotional energy” and by the time he got home, he fell apart.

It wasn’t just about the ice cream.

How many times has this happened to us?

After all the stressors of our day, for example, at work, where we HAVE to maintain composure to keep our jobs....

and then we see that towel left on the floor. Or that our roommate didn’t do the dishes. And we freak out. We’ve all done it. We’ve all exploded over something that later on we look back and we laugh at ourselves for acting so silly. Was it really about the towel? Or is it because we had a compounding of many things that upset us, and we held it together until the last drop of emotional energy was sighed out. That’s when we are sent over the edge.

Our kids experience the same thing, especially those children who have low frustration tolerance.

How to prevent kids from “losing it in the first place”

Prevention is the best medicine. It all starts with preparation.

Creating environments where they will succeed

First, try to get a mental pattern of what kinds of things your children tend to blow up about. Often times, it is similar things. Then, come up with preventative solutions to stop the meltdown before it happens. In Jalon’s case, it is usually food or clothing. 

 Example: If Jalon gets a drop of water on his shirt, he can fall apart. He does not like to be wet.

Solution: Spill proof cups in the car. I also make sure I keep an extra dry pair of clothes around, because he often spills his water/food on himself. I validate he is uncomfortable and try to get him changed quickly.

Example: When I pick Austin up from school at 3pm, he misses his 3pm afternoon school snack. He is usually starving. He blows up on the ride home.

Solution: I bring a healthy snack for him to eat to curb his appetite until he gets home.

Smooth transitions

I can not stress how important it is in our busy lives to give children enough TIME to finish their tasks, and move at a reasonable pace from one activity to another. When kids feel rushed, they get stressed. Just like we do.

Examples:

1. Wake children up with enough time to get ready for school. When we give ourselves those extra few minutes, kids never feel rushed. There's no harm in a little extra time before the bus comes. 
2. Start the bedtime process EARLY Even if it’s not bedtime yet, just starting the wind down process helps….like watching a movie or playing a board game slowly puts kids in the mindset of “settling down”. It's a shock for a child to immediately go from "play time" to "bed time". We’ve all been through the dilemma of “ONE MORE STORY”, or when they just can’t get the wiggles out and we are looking at the clock ticking. Start early: get the pajamas on, sing the songs, and allow time for that “one more story”
3. Give children time to change gears to a new activity. Mya can become hysterical when I show up at her friend's house and demand she come home for dinner right away. So I give her the dinner warning 10 minutes before dinner will be done. This gives her time to say goodbye to her friends, take her last few circles around the driveway on her scooter, and mentally prepare to sit down for dinner after active playing. She doesn’t like it when she has to leave her friends “suddenly”. And don’t we wish for the same?
4. State time expectations ahead of time. Prepare children for how long they have to do an activity. This has worked out tremendously for our family. “We have one hour at the pool. When I say it is time to get out of the pool, that means it is time to get out of the pool.”                              “Mya, we are all going out to dinner tonight, so you will not get to hang out with your friends as late as you usually do. I’m going to come get you early, please be prepared to come home”

 Lastly, if your child does have an emotional meltdown, stay calm!

It can be very difficult to maintain our composure when children are hysterical. Yet if we are able, we can take some deep breaths and validate their feelings. Regulating our own emotions will lessen the severity and duration of the meltdown. 

On making kids share: how to encourage community without forcing it

During the first years of life, children begin to learn that they inhabit the world with other people. During this time, the conflict of sharing arises. How do we get kids to willingly and happily share with each other? Are there times when it is okay for them to decide not to share? Is possessiveness a selfish act or is it a cry for autonomy? These are all questions I have asked myself while caretaking for three kids very close in age. Here are my thoughts.

Why kids don’t like to share

The scarcity mindset

When a child feels as if they are “having to give something up”, it is not truly sharing. This comes from a child’s fear of not getting their needs met. Jalon is often worried there is "not going to be enough". Because of this, he can be possessive about belongings, especially food. In his previous home life, he did not always get what he needed. He has lost trust in the world to provide for him the safety he needs, and so he holds on tight to his things to avoid “losing” them. When looked at from this angle, it is not a selfish act, but a cry for stability.

“But it’s special to me!”

When I was a little girl, I had a small trampoline and I didn’t want my friends jumping on it because I said “it was special to me”. I had a favorite childhood ring I never took off my finger. Even as adults, we have certain things we cherish as special to us. And maybe we don’t want other people using our most special things. For a child, it could be a favorite teddy bear, a gift from a grandparent, a friendship bracelet. We wouldn’t let our friend wear our wedding ring. Is this a choice a child is also allowed to make?

Me wearing my most "special" ring. I never took it off. 

Community not a value fostered in the home

The current traditional American lifestyle is frankly not designed to promote sharing. Food is packaged for the individual, from Capri Suns to Lunchables to frozen dinners. In suburban homes, the focus is often on individual achievement vs. collective benefit. From dance competitions to sports games, children learn to prioritize competition over community. Many parents do not interact with their neighbors but instead, compete. Families eat dinner together less and less. It is common for both parents to work, and children are left at home to fend for themselves, or have little time to share communal activities with family. From my experience with Mya’s diverse group of friends, the kids who spend more time doing shared activities with family are much more eager to share with their peers.

Traditional parenting styles of dealing with reluctance to share

• Taking object in question out of child’s hand and physically making them give to another
• Imposing discipline (often time-outs)  if child refuses to share
• Lecturing the child on how it is selfish to keep things for themselves
• Encouraging empathy (which really turns into a guilt trip) “how would you feel if they wouldn’t share with you?”

Yes, I once used time-outs for refusing to share. But I have come to discover there may be more respectful ways to encourage sharing without force, discipline or guilt. 

Here are some ideas to foster sharing that truly comes from the heart:

Practice positive intent

I take the advice of Becky Bailey, P.H.D., a world renowned expert in child development.  Becky Bailey believes in the power of positive intent. When we validate the need the child is trying to meet by not sharing, they are much more likely to cooperate.

Let’s say you have three kids in the backseat and they are all thirsty. You have one bottle of water in the cupholder. You pass the bottle of water to one of the children to share. The child hugs it tight to his chest and refuses to pass it on.

How to state positive intent:

The child may feel like since there is only one bottle of water, that there will not be “enough” (scarcity mindset).

Recognize the child’s need with a “you wanted (insert intent) so you….(insert behavior) then, (suggest a positive solution for what they might do instead)

“You wanted to make sure you had enough water so you held it close. Take what you need and then pass it on to your sister. It will come back around to you so that you may have more.”

It is amazing what the power of giving the child “the benefit of the doubt” will do for cooperation!

Designate clearly what is community and what belongs to the child: “ours” vs. “mine”

Especially with siblings close in age, the line is very blurry of what is “mine” and what is “ours”. That is why it is important for us as families to be intentional about belongings. 

Examples of things that a child may define as “ours”?

Dress up box, toy box, movie collection, book collection, communal snacks in the pantry, a family video game system that everybody uses

Get into the habit of calling these items, “ours”. These are “our” legos. This is “our” toy box. This is "our" box of movies to choose from. The repetitive use of the word “our” intuitively sends the message to children of community.  

Common examples of things that the child may define as “mine”?

Clothing, a favorite teddy bear/doll, certain items that are “special” to them, a very specific toy they asked for and received for Christmas/birthday, homemade gifts from friends/relatives, souveniers, a personal scooter/bike, their artwork, something they created, devices such as phones/kindles/Ipads

How this works in our house:

Jalon has a most favorite article of clothing, and that is his Spider-man suit. There was a time when we had to wash it every day.

The spider-man suit was placed in the dress up box. Austin went to put it on during one of our Saturday night dance parties. Jalon was distressed and tried to rip the costume off of his brother. It was clear he did NOT want to share it. I resisted the urge to “make” him let his brother wear it.

My response:

“Jalon, I noticed that your spiderman suit was in the dress up box. Things in the dress up box belong to everyone. I understand it is very special to you. Would you like me to put your Spiderman suit in your drawer so you can choose when it is okay for others to wear it?”

This type of response validates and respects the child’s need for choice. It also opens the door up for him to CHOOSE to share it in the future, on his OWN accord.

Sure enough, a few days later, on his OWN ACCORD, he proudly marched over to his drawer and willingly offered it to Austin to wear.

Offering choice in a child’s world works in very big ways.

Giving the child a choice = future cooperation

Positive reinforcement

If you happen to notice a child happily sharing on their own accord, be sure to acknowledge it. Especially for young children, sharing because they “want to”, is no small feat. And sometimes it’s not easy. Give specific praise:

“Wow, I noticed that you let your friend play with one of your favorite toys. I know that sometimes that can be hard to do. How did you feel when you saw that they were enjoying the toy with you?

Foster community in the household

How are you sharing as a family? How often does your family do activities together?

Do people in your family tend to do their own thing? Is your focus often on individual electronic devices or television? How often do you sit down to share a meal?

Children model the relationships and values that they see happening around them.

• Instead of individual bags/drinks, try doing things “family style”. Watching a movie? Put all the popcorn into one big bowl and have everybody share. Provide a pitcher of water/juice where one can pour their own glass. At the dinner table, put food on platters and pass them around.
• Saving up for something special? Set up a family money jar. Pool loose change, garage sale funds, extra money, etc. into a designated pot. We call it our “summer FUN raiser” When the time comes, use the money to do something fun as a family, or purchase a communal item for the house

“Giving up” versus happily giving from the heart

True sharing means that the child recognizes that what they give to another, they give to themselves.

True sharing happens when the child gives because they know it feels good on the inside to do so.

True sharing is when a child does not feel as if they are “giving something up”.

And boy to children LOVE to give! When they make us macaroni projects, when they draw us beautiful pictures, when they pick flowers for us, when they break off a cookie for their sibling. They LOVE the joy they receive when they give something from the heart.

We can encourage authentic sharing by helping children recognize the feeling they get from giving. We can do this either by acknowledging theirs or modeling our own feelings.

“Wow, that must have felt really good to let your friend borrow your favorite shirt”

“I am so excited about this gift I made for my mom’s birthday. I love the happy feeling I get when I see how much it meant to her”

“I’ve noticed how much you love to help me do the laundry. I know you feel proud and helpful when you get to share a task with me”

Mya said once said, “Daddy, it makes my heart tingle!”

Fostering true, authentic sharing is the ultimate goal for helping our children become grateful, content, and caring adults.