On making kids share: how to encourage community without forcing it

During the first years of life, children begin to learn that they inhabit the world with other people. During this time, the conflict of sharing arises. How do we get kids to willingly and happily share with each other? Are there times when it is okay for them to decide not to share? Is possessiveness a selfish act or is it a cry for autonomy? These are all questions I have asked myself while caretaking for three kids very close in age. Here are my thoughts.

Why kids don’t like to share

The scarcity mindset

When a child feels as if they are “having to give something up”, it is not truly sharing. This comes from a child’s fear of not getting their needs met. Jalon is often worried there is "not going to be enough". Because of this, he can be possessive about belongings, especially food. In his previous home life, he did not always get what he needed. He has lost trust in the world to provide for him the safety he needs, and so he holds on tight to his things to avoid “losing” them. When looked at from this angle, it is not a selfish act, but a cry for stability.

“But it’s special to me!”

When I was a little girl, I had a small trampoline and I didn’t want my friends jumping on it because I said “it was special to me”. I had a favorite childhood ring I never took off my finger. Even as adults, we have certain things we cherish as special to us. And maybe we don’t want other people using our most special things. For a child, it could be a favorite teddy bear, a gift from a grandparent, a friendship bracelet. We wouldn’t let our friend wear our wedding ring. Is this a choice a child is also allowed to make?

Me wearing my most "special" ring. I never took it off. 

Community not a value fostered in the home

The current traditional American lifestyle is frankly not designed to promote sharing. Food is packaged for the individual, from Capri Suns to Lunchables to frozen dinners. In suburban homes, the focus is often on individual achievement vs. collective benefit. From dance competitions to sports games, children learn to prioritize competition over community. Many parents do not interact with their neighbors but instead, compete. Families eat dinner together less and less. It is common for both parents to work, and children are left at home to fend for themselves, or have little time to share communal activities with family. From my experience with Mya’s diverse group of friends, the kids who spend more time doing shared activities with family are much more eager to share with their peers.

Traditional parenting styles of dealing with reluctance to share

• Taking object in question out of child’s hand and physically making them give to another
• Imposing discipline (often time-outs)  if child refuses to share
• Lecturing the child on how it is selfish to keep things for themselves
• Encouraging empathy (which really turns into a guilt trip) “how would you feel if they wouldn’t share with you?”

Yes, I once used time-outs for refusing to share. But I have come to discover there may be more respectful ways to encourage sharing without force, discipline or guilt. 

Here are some ideas to foster sharing that truly comes from the heart:

Practice positive intent

I take the advice of Becky Bailey, P.H.D., a world renowned expert in child development.  Becky Bailey believes in the power of positive intent. When we validate the need the child is trying to meet by not sharing, they are much more likely to cooperate.

Let’s say you have three kids in the backseat and they are all thirsty. You have one bottle of water in the cupholder. You pass the bottle of water to one of the children to share. The child hugs it tight to his chest and refuses to pass it on.

How to state positive intent:

The child may feel like since there is only one bottle of water, that there will not be “enough” (scarcity mindset).

Recognize the child’s need with a “you wanted (insert intent) so you….(insert behavior) then, (suggest a positive solution for what they might do instead)

“You wanted to make sure you had enough water so you held it close. Take what you need and then pass it on to your sister. It will come back around to you so that you may have more.”

It is amazing what the power of giving the child “the benefit of the doubt” will do for cooperation!

Designate clearly what is community and what belongs to the child: “ours” vs. “mine”

Especially with siblings close in age, the line is very blurry of what is “mine” and what is “ours”. That is why it is important for us as families to be intentional about belongings. 

Examples of things that a child may define as “ours”?

Dress up box, toy box, movie collection, book collection, communal snacks in the pantry, a family video game system that everybody uses

Get into the habit of calling these items, “ours”. These are “our” legos. This is “our” toy box. This is "our" box of movies to choose from. The repetitive use of the word “our” intuitively sends the message to children of community.  

Common examples of things that the child may define as “mine”?

Clothing, a favorite teddy bear/doll, certain items that are “special” to them, a very specific toy they asked for and received for Christmas/birthday, homemade gifts from friends/relatives, souveniers, a personal scooter/bike, their artwork, something they created, devices such as phones/kindles/Ipads

How this works in our house:

Jalon has a most favorite article of clothing, and that is his Spider-man suit. There was a time when we had to wash it every day.

The spider-man suit was placed in the dress up box. Austin went to put it on during one of our Saturday night dance parties. Jalon was distressed and tried to rip the costume off of his brother. It was clear he did NOT want to share it. I resisted the urge to “make” him let his brother wear it.

My response:

“Jalon, I noticed that your spiderman suit was in the dress up box. Things in the dress up box belong to everyone. I understand it is very special to you. Would you like me to put your Spiderman suit in your drawer so you can choose when it is okay for others to wear it?”

This type of response validates and respects the child’s need for choice. It also opens the door up for him to CHOOSE to share it in the future, on his OWN accord.

Sure enough, a few days later, on his OWN ACCORD, he proudly marched over to his drawer and willingly offered it to Austin to wear.

Offering choice in a child’s world works in very big ways.

Giving the child a choice = future cooperation

Positive reinforcement

If you happen to notice a child happily sharing on their own accord, be sure to acknowledge it. Especially for young children, sharing because they “want to”, is no small feat. And sometimes it’s not easy. Give specific praise:

“Wow, I noticed that you let your friend play with one of your favorite toys. I know that sometimes that can be hard to do. How did you feel when you saw that they were enjoying the toy with you?

Foster community in the household

How are you sharing as a family? How often does your family do activities together?

Do people in your family tend to do their own thing? Is your focus often on individual electronic devices or television? How often do you sit down to share a meal?

Children model the relationships and values that they see happening around them.

• Instead of individual bags/drinks, try doing things “family style”. Watching a movie? Put all the popcorn into one big bowl and have everybody share. Provide a pitcher of water/juice where one can pour their own glass. At the dinner table, put food on platters and pass them around.
• Saving up for something special? Set up a family money jar. Pool loose change, garage sale funds, extra money, etc. into a designated pot. We call it our “summer FUN raiser” When the time comes, use the money to do something fun as a family, or purchase a communal item for the house

“Giving up” versus happily giving from the heart

True sharing means that the child recognizes that what they give to another, they give to themselves.

True sharing happens when the child gives because they know it feels good on the inside to do so.

True sharing is when a child does not feel as if they are “giving something up”.

And boy to children LOVE to give! When they make us macaroni projects, when they draw us beautiful pictures, when they pick flowers for us, when they break off a cookie for their sibling. They LOVE the joy they receive when they give something from the heart.

We can encourage authentic sharing by helping children recognize the feeling they get from giving. We can do this either by acknowledging theirs or modeling our own feelings.

“Wow, that must have felt really good to let your friend borrow your favorite shirt”

“I am so excited about this gift I made for my mom’s birthday. I love the happy feeling I get when I see how much it meant to her”

“I’ve noticed how much you love to help me do the laundry. I know you feel proud and helpful when you get to share a task with me”

Mya said once said, “Daddy, it makes my heart tingle!”

Fostering true, authentic sharing is the ultimate goal for helping our children become grateful, content, and caring adults.